Booze, beach, beaten – how England lost the Ashes

It's been a shocker, hasn't it? England's new humiliation down below will be remembered as one of the worst in recent times, not just because of its rapidity but also because it was supposed to be a chance to recover the Ashes from a weakened Australia. This is how England gave themselves no chance, from selection and planning to booze and the beach in Noosa.

Seeds sown long ago

Hindsight makes experts of us all, but this tour's demises began long ago. When Zak Crawley was wounded in the summer of 2024, it was a missed opportunity not to try a genuine opener, instead requesting Dan Lawrence to do a job for which he is not suited. Lawrence has not been seen since. If Jordan Cox's broken thumb in New Zealand 12 months ago was regrettable – Cox may have been a much-needed reserve keeper in Australia – so sending Mark Wood to the Champions Trophy was immeasurably costly. England was missing speed on this tour, but they wound up injuring their fastest bowler in a tournament they were never to win. Assistant coach Paul Collingwood left early in the home summer and has not been recalled, and there is no information about England's fast-bowling coach for this tour right up to the last minute. Chris Woakes' dislocated shoulder effectively kicked him out of the Ashes, but there were two other players in England's squad for the last Test against India, Jamie Overton and Liam Dawson, who did not make it to Australia. After using up a spot at The Oval that could have gone to Matthew Potts, Matthew Fisher, or Sam Cook, Overton took a break from red-ball cricket. Dawson - or some other frontline spinner - may have been a determinant cover in Australia for Shoaib Bashir, whose form was an accident waiting to happen. Even the announcement of the Ashes squad was an anticlimactic preview of what was to come. Whereas the British & Irish Lions announced their Australian tour squad at the O2 in London in front of 2,000 fans, England pushed out their team on a press release with no notice a few hours after legendary umpire Dickie Bird's death was announced. As it came, the 12-month hokey-cokey over Ollie Pope's appointment as vice-captain was still on the hot topic, fueling the Jacob Bethell controversy that is yet to be sorted. Rob Key, the team's director of cricket, did not speak to the team until 24 hours later, at which point he ended Woakes' international career, taking the opportunity away from the man himself.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail

Despite all of England's pre-series plans in Australia, an immovable barrier to further warm-up matches was a white-ball tour of New Zealand that had been on the diary for years. Despite England and Wales Cricket Board chairman Richard Thompson's assertion that the series against the Black Caps was a success in Ashes, England lost three of four complete matches, effectively ending the New Zealand winter. England got the Ashes warm-up they needed – an intra-squad match against the England Lions. Nonetheless, there is evidence of buyer remorse through the beginning of discussions with Cricket Australia over an agreement to ensure better preparation on future Ashes tours. If there was an invitation to a match against a state team or Australia A, it was too close to the tour of New Zealand for England to work. England claims they asked for time in the Waca, but they were told the ground was not available. The request was not made when England made it. The Barmy Army was able to book a game there. The Lilac Hill weather for the warm-up match were slow and poor, far removed from Perth Stadium's frenzy and bounce. The overall attitude was laid back. Rupert Lewis, an England team analyst, wore whites to run the drinks and music performed from the dressing rooms for three days. Harry Brook's shots displayed his disdain for the sport. Bashir's bowling was hammered by his own teammates and Wood when he was sent on laps of the park as part of a tough fitness program, and he had to have a hamstring scan eight weeks into his return from his injury. Wood was batting when the scorecard malfunctioned, giving him a hint of farce despite being in hospital at the time. Perhaps the most memorable moment of Lilac Hill's week came before a ball was bowled, when captain Ben Stokes referred to England's proposals as "has-beens. It was a slip of the tongue, but it might have been corrected right away.

Two down in six days

England did a good job with the build-up to the first Test. Josh Tongue and Jamie Smith brushed aside concerns about golf, stumpings, and moral victories. On day two in Perth, England, the dominant was in his lunch before stumping were identified on the same day. Stokes said he was shell shocked in some tetchy post-match media interactions, remarks made against the captain as England lost the PR war in the days after the Test. Photographers, golf courses, and even an aquarium were among the England team's chosen photographers, while the squad was housed in a casino attached to a hotel was obviously a mistake. Any of the company's penchants for a Takeaway frozen yoghurt brand was on the rise. The decision not to send more people to the Lions' day-night game against a Prime Minister's XI in Canberra was due to the difference in weather between the capital and Brisbane. However, a week of radio silence did not help the tourists. Mitchell Johnson, a former Australia pace bowler, accused them of being

arrogant. England instead opted for five days of preparation in Brisbane, a workload that head coach Brendon McCullum would later explain that his team was

for the second Test. When Stokes finally broke the media blackout, he outlined the

comment and replied to Johnson by saying that England might be described as

rather than arrogant. Stokes and Pope had to respond to photographs of the captain, Wood and Smith riding escooters without helmets as the test continued, an offence punishable by a fine under Queensland law. Root's long-awaited first hundred in Australia was rendered useless by some poor shots by his teammates and England's missing five catches. Stokes said his dressing room is

On the beach

The four nights in Noosa, England's four-night beach resort, had been planned for more than a year, which may have made it one of the tour's best-planned segments. Some people used it in the spirit it was intended. Root, for example, had a room with his family off the main drag and was never seen near a bar. It was curious that more family members were not present for what was described as a break from the Ashes. For some, it was a glorified stag do. Four more people joined in Noosa after two days of heavy drinking, with six more in total, as many days as there had been Test cricket at this time in the tour. The England party was barely insignificant, consuming by the side of the highway, with a large number of people wearing traditional Akubra hats, which became the holiday's uniform. A three-line whip was issued to attend a kick-about on the beach, where England was sledged by local radio DJs and mingled with other holidaymakers. Stokes was seen out running, while strength and conditioning coach Pete Sim invited the entire group for a run along the coast at 07:45 a. M. On another occasion. Smith, Bashir, and Tongue were the only players to turn out. Following a back-and-forth in Brisbane airport, a member of the England security staff was accused of a physical confrontation with a cameraman from TV network Seven. Despite the gaggles and media's curiosity about their time on the beach, England arguably put in their best showing of a weak bunch in the Test after their jollies in Noosa.

All over in Adelaide

England's messages by the third Test had become mixed. Despite actively trying to remove pressure from his team over the past three years, Stokes talked about

enjoying the heat. Brook said that England had not spoken about cricket in Noosa, but Stokes confirmed there had been

discussions. Crawley would later claim that they were unaware of the

remarks. England was involved in some unusual fielding drills, possibly knowing that fielding had let them down. England left Bashir out at an Adelaide ground that is well-known for supporting spinners, owing to Will Jacks' batting at number eight. Bashir did not become

according to assistant coach Jeetan Patel. England was left with part-time spinner Jacks bowling more overs than anyone else in the match, despite putting so much emphasis on high pace. Outwardly, England remained relaxed. Through BBC Radio 5 live broadcasts from outside the team hotel, McCullum's walk to the Adelaide Oval twice. The word

was left in a news conference by Patel. Have a pint, because I will be.